Pairing: Angel/Lindsey
Note: Song Fic - '‘Kryptonite’ by Three Doors Down
Spoilers: City Of, Prodigal, Eternity, To Shanshu in L.A., Dear Boy
Timeline: Pre-Dead End.
Summary: Angel’s thoughts about Lindsey as he sits in the dark.
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I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do
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As I watched the new moon rising from the edge of the brightly lit city streets, I suddenly found myself comparing the slowly fading blue sky to those beautiful, big eyes of his that spoke to me silently on more than one occasion. Those eyes which often shined with rage, arrogance and even sometimes fear when I made my presence known. Those eyes that showed so many struggles as their owner tried to pick the right path down the crossroads of good and evil - just like the sky fighting the coming night, a losing fight.
No one could fight the darkness.
Yes, it was no surprise, that I, Angel, was thinking about my number one enemy – Lindsey McDonald. And frankly, having trouble letting go of that thought. Everyone mistakes the frown on my face whenever Lindsey was mentioned to be formed by anger, disgust, and frustration. They were right about the last option, I was frustrated. Frustrated at myself, my life and worse of all, the fact that my stilled heart didn't belong to me anymore.
Somewhere between Lindsey handing me the Wolfram and Hart card and the sight of him curled into a ball, groaning in agony over his lost hand, Lindsey McDonald managed to gain ownership of my heart, something I thought I had broken a long time ago, when I left Sunnydale.
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I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end
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I had a family once. I knew the joyful laughter of my sister as I lifted her up in the air, the stern yet expectant glares from my father whenever I let him down and the meaning of life once as well. Now, all I had was the ever-present guilt over disappointing the only people in my life that actually loved me unconditionally. I had forgotten how to laugh and didn't dare to care or to love, in fear that I might lose my soul, again.
I remember what Darla told me, 'God doesn't want you, but I still do.' and the smug yet painful smile on my sire's face. I could have stopped her, but I didn't, I couldn't. She was right. No matter how hard I try, I'd never be accepted into the world that I set to sabotage more than once. What was the point of doing goods deeds, saving innocents, when in the end, you would always be truly alone? When you know your friends, lovers, even enemies would age and die when you remained young? When the only time you could feel welcomed was when you were alone, with the darkness.
Yet I continued to fight it. Not because of the guilt, pain, regrets or the undying need of achieving redemption, but only because it was easier to dislike Lindsey, to keep him at a distance, if we were on different sides. And it was a lot easier to mask my emotions with juvenile sarcasm than to actually show my concerns for the lawyer.
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If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite
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I knew how Lindsey viewed me, a thorn in his back that could never be rid of. God knew how much that look of boiling hatred on his face when he came to question me about Darla had pained me. I had tried to make thing better before, but I always used the wrong approach. It was like walking on broken glass, every time you think you can safely traverse your path, when you are ready to plant your feet down, you don't feel the ground, only the sharp, cold glass that forces you to withdraw. And when you thought you were ready to try again, the same result greeted you once more.
I was deathly jealous of Darla, even though I would never admit it, because she held a place in Lindsey's heart. Adding to that was the knowledge I could have had a place in his life too, if only I hadn't allowed my pride, my stupid pride, to get in the way when he came to me for help.
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You called me strong, you called me weak
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
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Even knowing how he felt about me, I still couldn't bring myself to acknowledge the fact that I should move on. It wasn't like I haven't done it before; Buffy was a good example. But every time, the little voice inside my head would tell me to hold on, and maybe life would change. Maybe God would pity me and bring Lindsey back to me, and this time, I wouldn't drive him away with ridicule and apathy.
'You can do anything you set your mind to.' I read that in one of Cordy's romance novel. Lindsey was the only one on my mind, but I wasn't sure if I would ever be on his mind. If Lindsey ever did have me on his mind, it's only when he is contemplating his revenge.
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You stumbled in and bumped your head
If not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground
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Everyone wondered why I had been so set to bring down Wolfram and Hart. I only gave them one reason – 'Atonement'. As always, I kept my real intentions to myself. I believed that if I could tear down the walls around Lindsey, maybe, just maybe I could reach him, just for a moment. And what better wall to start with other than the thickest blindfold he had over his eyes – Wolfram and Hart.
Every word out of his mouth was forever branded in my mind, every touch forever imprinted in my skin, and every shared look tested my limits, my self-control.
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If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite
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I knew he thought we're nothing alike, after all, why would he? I was the legendary vampire who was drowning in eternal guilt, while he was the successful lawyer who was still an innocent child inside. And damn myself for thinking that he didn't deserve redemption when he practically begged for it!
I wanted to help him, wanted him to realized it was never too late to right the wrongs in life. I wanted to try and help him carry some of the weight he had been bearing. I understood what he was feeling; I was there, too. If our suffering were not equal, mine would not be less than his would. But I guessed he didn't want to be called an equal to the lowest of the low, after all, he didn't brutally murder his family.
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If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite
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Everyone would believe me if I told them I'm constantly in pain, because I made it so apparent by sitting in the dark and always having a scowl on my face. What they didn't know was that I also kept some hidden. The fear of rejection was the greatest of all and the cuts formed by the despicable tone and words flowing out of his mouth.
No one could heal those injuries either, assuming they could locate them in the first place. Only Lindsey could stop the painful yearning inside of me, only his embrace could calm my worries and only his love could fill the emptiness of my soul. It was him I needed, nothing else.
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If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite...
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I had controls against temptation, rage and longing once. But Darla tested my control of temptation, Wolfram and Hart tried my control of rage, and the loneliness threatened to swallow me whole in a way which made me yearn for companionship.
Lindsey just summed all of the above into one neat little package. He was the sweetest temptation of all, the fact that he cared more about his firm angered me, and worst of all, he stirred a flame of desire that I thought died long ago.
I lived in constant fear of losing my soul, something that I received as punishment in the first place, but to me, it was the greatest prize in all lands. The second time I acquired it, it was forgiveness to me. It meant that Buffy hadn't given up on me, she tried to bring me back, for she knew the difference between Angelus and me. Every time I lost my soul; well, there it only happened twice, three if I counted the drug Rebecca had given me, people got hurt, some had died in the process or by the wrath of Angelus, a monster that would always be a part of me.
Now as I exited my office and stepped into the elevator, my mind was somewhat content, because of Lindsey. Because of the fact every time he looked at his right hand, he'd be reminded of me. Call me crazy, but that piece of insight made me happy. If he couldn't remember me with love, then let it be done with hate. At least I'd finally be a part of him...good or bad.
~ END ~